As Thanksgiving is upon us, or Thangivanukkah, as people are referring to it this year due to its correspondence with Hanukkah (first time since 1888, and won’t happen again for roughly 79,000 years … so enjoy it, you’ll never see it again) it is a time to reflect. I would say that over the last year or so, outside of the obvious “friends and family” generic answer that everyone gives, I don’t have much to be thankful for.
Alas, I would be wrong.
I am thankful for a single solitary day … November 3rd. Well, I’m actually thankful for September 19th … or maybe it goes all the way back to being thankful for September 14th. That’s when the “Why are you here?” incident occurred, leading September 19th’s attempt at … I don’t know … vengeance? Fake plastic show of concern for someone? General screwing around with other’s lives?
Whatever it was that was trying to be attempted, November 3rd was just the day that I found out why, on September 21st, my life began its very swift 180 degree turn from chaos and divorce to vindication, better pastures, brighter future, and all of the wonderful fucking experiences of a relatively normal and happy life. Nothing like a nice attempted revenge email backfiring, and thus proving to a skeptic of things that I had said about someone that said someone is exactly the person I said they were. I do so much enjoy karma.
No worries though. I still have the same “fuck you” personality that I had before. But being vindicated … Well, that would put a nice warm fuzzy feeling in anyone. And now that I’ve finally closed that chapter of my life (and by closed, I mean slammed shut, bound, gagged, sealed in a crate, weighted it down, and dropped it into the deepest abyss of the Atlantic Ocean) I can finally get back to things of much more importance … Like Bigfoot.
For those who have been reading for a awhile, you may remember a post entitled “Finding Bigfoot?” It was pretty much just a thorough explanation of the show, the people on the show, and how absolutely fucking stupid the show was … and continues to be apparently, as I see it is still on the air. And it’s still called “Finding Bigfoot,” so clearly they haven’t actually found one yet. Surprise of the fucking century there.
For all those of you out there who are wondering why, after one, maybe two entire seasons, the motley crew of Bigfoot “experts” have not found a single Bigfoot as of yet, I have discovered the answer.
Sorry Matt Moneymaker, it has nothing to do with tree knocks. No, Cliff Barackman, it has nothing to do with an inability to track down the source of the “Bigfoot calls” you hear after you send your own Bigfoot shout-outs into the dark forests. Ranae Holland, you are still the only brain amongst the group. And James “Bobo” Fay … well … you’re still a fucking moron.
You see, it has nothing to do with the “fact” that a Bigfoot hides amongst packs of wolves, that they bury their dead, or (my favorite) porcupines eat their bones, thus leaving no authentic physical evidence. The reason they have yet to find a single Bigfoot is because … of aliens.
Yes, you read that correct. Aliens.
There is a show on H2 called Ancient Aliens. Unlike Finding Bigfoot, I actually enjoy watching this program. Well, most of the time.
I am not one of those narrow-minded individuals who believes that we are alone in the universe, nor will I dismiss the idea that we may have been visited by aliens in the past. I don’t necessarily believe or agree with everything they mention on the program after the almost redundantly repetitive phrase, “If, as Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe …” But I do find some of the “evidence” and theories to be compelling. Hell, even the Vatican now acknowledges that there is most likely alien life elsewhere in the universe. They don’t acknowledge anything outside of biblical teachings, so who am I to disagree?
This, of course, doesn’t mean I believe that anything on the program is 100% true. I merely said that some of the programs are compelling and I’m not narrow-minded.
One program, in particular, actually put aliens and Bigfoot together. I kid you not, “if as Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe” is actually true, then the Bigfoot is basically the grunt for an alien race. The aliens beam them down so that they can do a little mining, a little gathering of supplies, and other menial tasks before they get beamed right back up to the mothership.
I will say that I think this theory is as ridiculous as the “porcupines eat Bigfoot bones” theory … or fact, if you believe Matt Moneymaker, who seems to know everything about how these elusive creatures live, eat, breath, and act without having ever found a single one. But when I saw this particular episode, I literally laughed out loud.
I mean, I get it. There are only so many episodes where you can talk about the aliens helping with the pyramids, genetic engineering of the human race, strange cave drawings, the Nazca lines, the similarity of the description of “gods” from areas of the globe that had no contact with each other, and all the other theories that are actually fucking plausible. But the idea that the Bigfoot species is essentially the worker/bouncer/enforcer for some alien race? Come on, guys … You’re stretching it pretty fucking thin there.
I do, however, love how two different shows have theories about Bigfoot that could not be possibly be any more different from each other. Both are fucking ridiculous, mind you, but just the fact that two shows can come up with two theories that are completely nonsensical … How often do you see that?
That being said, Finding Bigfoot is still one of the dumbest programs on television. Especially since I had such high hopes for it when it was first advertised. Ancient Aliens, for the most part, is still a pretty good show. Intriguing most of the time, but every show has a fucking bomb of an episode every now and then. I guess I will forgive and forget on this one.
So there it is. A follow-up to one of the most popular posts I’ve written … outside of the ones that have been based on personal experiences. I don’t agree with this new Bigfoot theory, but couldn’t pass on the chance to revisit the quartet of … no, I’m sorry, I mean the trio of morons, as I still believe that Ranae is rather intelligent with her skepticism. Especially since “if what Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe” is actually true (it’s not) then that really blows holes through the theories on Finding Bigfoot.
And this is why television can be so comically entertaining, even when it’s not meant to be.
Until next time … Happy Thanksgiving … and fuck off
*Fuck this World! and other such thoughts by Mickey Brennan – Volume I available here